catherine k has a lot to say

It’s almost been four months and I still feel like I don’t actually have a boyfriend. This isn’t the way you’re supposed to be feeling. I should be happy. But instead I’m frustrated sad and lonely. It’s amazing how those feelings can be intensified when you’re constantly ignored by someone who should be thinking about you more than normal. I think about him all the time. Not in a creepy way, just in a way that I wish I was with him more. He makes no effort. And I know me getting mad about him not texting me may seem a little silly but when there’s no other way we communicate I don’t think it’s crazy for me to be mad about it. It makes me feel like he isnt thinkin about me at all and doesn’t care to. I get so frustrated an we have the same argument over and over and nothing has changed. Everyone keeps telling me to end it. And I mean everyone, but why can’t I? I don’t know what’s holding me back from saying goodbye to this joke of a relationship. Maybe it’s the fear of hurting him? But would he really even be hurt? Maybe it’s the fear of me being alone? I like the security? But what security is there if I’m constantly second guessing everything about us. I think I secretly like the challange. The need of wanting him to want me. I really don’t know how to explain what’s going on with us but I know when I look back on this relationship I’m going to kick myself in the butt for holding on to something that sucks for so long.

And when I don’t get it from you, I’ll find it somewhere else…